Stupid Uchihas
by shatteredream
Summary: When Sasuke comes back to the village after killing his brother, he decides to rebuild the Uchiha clan. However, Sakura is against the idea when he asks her to produce a son, and a mysterious person shows up not too long after Sasuke's proposal. Who is he? Crack-ish; please review!
1. Chapter 1

The day she heard Sasuke came back to the village, Sakura caused an earthquake.

It was small, really, but the seismographs and jutsu that were planted strategically around the village to predict earthquakes were all set off.

 _The pink-haired girl hummed a small tune as she organized some files. The day had been busy with surgeries, and she was almost done with her shift at the hospital. In twenty minutes, Ino-pig would meet her at a local tea shop to chat (and gossip)._

" _SAKURAAA-CHANNNN!"_

 _Sakura sighed. Naruto was here. And he'd probably forgotten where her office was._

' _The blonde idiot's here? I thought he died a few years ago.'_

' _Shut up, Naruto can take care of himself, idiot or no. And where've you been? It's been months since you last mocked me or made a perverted comment.'_

' _What, missed me? And anyways, ever since you grew a backbone, you haven't needed me as much.'_

 _She sighed again as Naruto yelled and Inner burst into tears and started to mutter about 'fledglings leaving the nest.' A headache was forming, and she pinched the bridge of her nose before shrieking, "SHUT UP!"_

 _There was a peaceful silence, something that almost made Sakura weep like Lee, but then…._

" _SAKURA-CHAN?! IS THAT YOOOU?"_

' _How dare you! I raised you, protected your innocence from perverts like Kakashi-sensei, and shared my valuable advice and experiences!'_

" _UGH…." Sakura face-planted her head onto the table and stuck it there with chakra._

 _A blonde poked his head in the door. "Sakura-chan! I haven't seen you in fore- urk!"_

 _There was a small thud in the hall way as Naruto crashed into the wall because of the tissue box- anything could become a weapon when it came to Sakura, her imagination, and chakra control.  
_ ' _Yeah! You got him goood, baby!' Inner crowed._

 _And then she heard it._

" _Hn. Annoying."_

 _Her chakra flared, and even after four consecutive surgeries, it was enormous. Sakura turned around, and spoke in unison with Inner, eyes narrowed._

" _ **Sasuke….."**_

" _Hn?" The Uchiha was leaning slightly on the doorframe, hands in pockets, trying to recover his composure after the spike in killing intent and hearing his former fangirl speak with different voices at the same time. Naruto had been smart enough to hide underneath a table._

" _ **Why are you here?"**_ _Each word was punctuated by a rise in chakra._

" _I killed Itachi and I need to complete my second goal." His eyes were narrowed as if he was offended that Sakura would presume to think that she was worthy enough to talk to him._

 _Naruto stuck his head out from under the table. "Yeah, Sasuke, I think it's best if you don't tell her about tha- eep!" the plastic pen sunk into the tiled floor, and Sasuke raised his eyes, as he hadn't even seen her hand move._

" _Hn. I'll do whatever I want, dobe." Naruto was too scared to reply. A few phrases of 'kami help me' and 'I'll even give up ramen' were muttered._

" _ **Well? Tell me."**_

 _The 'fricking son of an asstard', to borrow one of Inner's many colorful phrases, and yes, that was one of the very few uncensored one's, grunted a stereotypical, 'hn', and said, "I want to revive the Uchiha clan, and Ino, Karin, and you will be my concubines. Whoever bears me the first son will become the matriarch." The last part was said as if it was a great honor._

 _Sakura gaped. For a moment, before she screamed and swung a table that was sheltering Naruto at him._

" _ **YOU F****** UCHIHA! I will NOT be your BABYMAKER! You lost your chance five years ago!"**_

 _Sasuke dodged under the table with wide eyes as if he expected Sakura to smile and beg to have his son. He stood up, glanced at the wall the table crashed through a little too casually, and asked, "That's a no, then? Because your chakra control could be inherited by any childr-"_

 _Sakura screamed with anger, and the true amount of her chakra exploded. Sasuke was kicked through a window and out of the hospital, and Naruto watched his best friend sail lifelessly into the forest. The pink-haired girl cracked her knuckles and jumped through the hole. When she landed, the amount of chakra she used to literally_ jump _to where her former teammate's body actually caused an earthquake that all of the hospital residents and anyone within a few miles felt. Sakura screamed bloody murder again as she descended, and the gravity combined with chakra blasted every single tree in the forest to smithereens._

 _Tsunade watched from the Hokage tower, a proud little smile on her face._


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura had felt bad afterwards, really, when she saw a broken and bruised Sasuke in the hospital. Well, until she learned that the arrogance (and pure stupidity) hadn't been beaten out of him.

 _The pink-haired girl gritted her teeth as she made her way to the ward in the hospital reserved for critically injured patients._

' _Hey, Sakura.' Stupid Inner was back again._

' _What?!'_

 _There was an immature raspberry, and the girl gritted her teeth angrily again as she stomped into her patient's room. And that was how Sasuke woke up- to the murderous chakra in the air- so close to Naruto's Kyuubi chakra it made his blood run cold and his pee run down his leg._

" _Sit up." He gulped but remained laying down- must be that genetic Uchiha stupidity._

' _Calm down, Sasuke. Show her who's in charge- yeah, you. Give her that Uchiha charm- a few 'hn's' and 'annoying's' with a side of 'we'll have powerful children' will have her begging at my feet for forgiveness again._

" _Hn." The fricking-dumb-as-a-rock Uchiha muttered, looking away in an attempt to show his future-concubine how much he cared for and respected her._

 _Sakura, who remembered some of her Sasukenese from the days of Team Seven, translated it into: 'Why should I, soon-to-be-babymaker, because you're below me and have no right to order me around.' That did not go over well._

 _Naruto had been walking to the hospital to take Sakura out to Ichiraku's (platonically, of course, Hinata was his one and only girlfriend!), when there was the sound of a shattered window along with a gigantic burst of chakra. He paused and decided that someone had pissed his scarier-than-hell female teammate again as a body sailed almost gracefully from the hospital and landed with a soft thump._

 _Which just happened to make a twenty-foot-wide crater or so. The jinchuriki whistled and grinned, as a girl screamed, "AND DON'T COME BACK, BAKA!" ,making Sasuke open one dazed and bruised eye._

" _Wha- what happened." He winced when his voice cracked. It was unmanly to get voice cracks- Stupid puberty._

" _Sakura took pity on you."_

" _What?"_

" _When someone almost killed Kakashi-sensei out on the field, she tracked him down and literally made a valley. The Lightning Country weren't happy, of course, but it turned out the valley was getting lots of tourists because of the size of it and something about the irrigation, so they let it slide."_

" _Hn."_

 _Naruto shook his head. "You'll never get her to love you if you keep giving monosyllabic answers and pissing her off."_

" _Hn."_

 _The blonde paused. "You don't want Sakura to love you?"_

" _ **Hn.**_ "

" _You want her to produce babies."_

" _ **HN!"**_

" _Okay, okay, no need to shout. You want her to admire you, produce genetically perfect babies, and care for you."_

" _Hn." Sasuke was satisfied._

 _It was funny, really, how much Sasuke could communicate through his emotionally-retarded grunts. Or maybe Naruto and Sakura were just really good at guessing and deciphering after years of experience. It was most likely the latter._

After Sasuke's second disgraceful beating, he didn't even attempt to hide his fear of pink, green, or anything medical. He would have nightmares over the two most painful and scarring incidences in his life and stay awake, shivering on the covers in fear. He decided that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to ask the Yamanaka girl.


End file.
